


Trying To Keep My Composure

by Basttop



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, But then life happened, F/M, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Know Anymore, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, It was 5 + 1, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad Kyle, Unrequited Love, Woops, i guess, kind of?, this got out of hand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2018-10-31 00:39:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10888266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basttop/pseuds/Basttop
Summary: Five times Dan complains about his failed dates to Kyle plus the one time Kyle and Dan go on a date.





	1. You Don't Have to Look Any Further

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Bite Down by Bastille and HAIM. 
> 
> I'm currently still working on this. I kind of wanted to post it all at once but I'm lacking a bit of motivation. So I hope that posting it in chapters will give me motivation to finish. The chapters aren't that long but I hope you like them. Maybe I will repost it when it's totally finished. Maybe not. We'll see.

1.

“Kyle. This date was so awkward. She said like three words throughout the whole date. Seriously, I think I’m gonna give up on this whole dating thing. I don’t know if I can take anymore horrible dates.” Dan groans. He always calls Kyle after yet another date gone wrong.

Kyle sighed. “Do you wanna come to my place to complain about it some more?” He wasn’t very keen on hearing about Dan’s love life, but any time spent with Dan was well spent.

Dan was single for as long as Kyle knew him. But he was always looking for that special girl. Dan hadn’t found her yet though. Yes he had plenty of dates and got a lot of attention. But Dan rarely went on a second date. And a third date had never happened as far as Kyle knew.

“Yeah, do you have like, a massive amount of beer there? I kind of want to forget this date ever happened.” Dan grunts.

Kyle thought for a second, should he get some beer, there were night shops, there was one around the corner of his apartment. “Yeah, you know me, I always have some beer in stock. Wouldn’t wanna run out.”

Dan cheered “Great, you’re the best friend, you know that right?”

“Yeah, yeah, just get your butt over here Dannyboy.”

Allright, I’ll be there in ten.” Ten, that meant Kyle had to hurry.

 

* * *

 

Kyle had just got home when Dan knocked on his door. Kyle opened the door and immediately handed Dan a beer. “I’m sorry, it’s not cold, fridge is kinda full you know?”

“Sure, no problem, just another thing to feel miserable about.” But Dan grinned. Which was a good sign. That meant Kyle wouldn’t have to listen to Dan ranting about this date for too long.

Because there is only so many time a guy can listen to his crush complaining about his love life. Or maybe it was a bit more than just a crush. Kyle doesn’t really know, he doesn’t really like to think about it too much. Kyle was gay, Dan was straight, Kyle had a crush on Dan for quite a while now. These were the facts. No need to think about that because that wouldn’t change anything. Better to put it as far in the back of his mind as possible. Although Dan complaining about his love life didn’t really help.

“Alright mate, just tell me all about your horrible date now then.” Apparently Kyle liked to torture himself. But what is said before, just as long Kyle could spend time with Dan, he wouldn’t really complain.

“Yes, but first a new beer, then I will tell you all about it.” Dan stood up and got another beer from the kitchen. “You want one?” He shouted.

So Dan told Kyle all about his date. A mutual friend set them up because according to him they would make a great pair. But they had nothing in common and it was just awkward from beginning till end. Every time Dan got excited about something he liked, she would say she never heard about it or she would tell him she didn’t like it. And she didn’t bring up anything she liked, which had left Dan thinking frantically about topics they could talk about that they both would enjoy. At last Dan didn’t know what to talk about so he talked about the weather.

“I was desperate alright? I just wanted her to say a bit more than ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t like that’. Dan said after Kyle started laughing about the fact that they talked about the weather. “And she did, it appeared that she liked the weather alright.”

“Well, I guess she’s just very passionate about the weather.” Kyle grinned.

Dan sighed “yeah well, it’s not that I dislike talking about it but I’m not sure I can talk about that every day for the rest of my life about the weather. We would be the most awkward couple.”

“Yes, you would. Luckily you don’t have to see her again. Delete her number and forget it happened?”

“You’re a man after my heart Ky. And what better way to forget than with a lot of alcohol right?”

After a few more beers Kyle stood up “You can stay here if you want, mate, but it’s time for me to sleep. I can get you blankets if you want to stay the night? The couch is all yours.”

“No, that’s okay. Thanks for listening to me complain though, you’re really the best friend anyone can have.” Dan got up too and hugged Kyle tight.

“Always, mate, goodnight then.” Kyle said awkwardly.

“Goodnight.” Dan smiled and left the apartment.

Kyle sighed. He wished he could enjoy that hug more, but he always felt so awkward when Dan touched him. It was really time for some blissful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me what you think so far? I love to read comments on your thoughts. X


	2. I’ve been waiting here for you for time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo. New chapter. It's a little short for my liking but oh well. Don't want it to get boring. 
> 
> Well enjoy :)

2.

Kyle knew Dan had a date tonight. He hoped it went as horrible as ever. Was he an awful friend for thinking that? Probably, yes. But he couldn’t help himself. First of all, if Dan got a girlfriend, Kyle and him wouldn’t hang out as much as they did now. And second, while Dan was single, Kyle could fool himself into thinking he maybe would have a shot with him. Kyle was a hopeless fool in love. 

A few hours later, as expected, Kyle got a call from Dan. 

“Why, Kyle, why am I still agreeing to going on dates? I’ve hit a new low tonight. We argued. With shouting and all. On a first date. In a bar. I’m glad I agreed to only go for drink.” Dan told him.

Kyle chuckled, he felt sorry for Dan but couldn’t help but laugh about Dan’s luck. How did he manage to get the most awful dates. Where did he find these girls. Dan was the most handsome man he had ever seen. And he knew he wasn’t the only one who thought that. When they went out, he saw a lot of girls turn their heads to have a second look. Dan just had that effect on people. He had this beautiful hair, wild and untameable a lot of times. But it suited him. And his eyes. Kyle could talk for hours about Dan’s eyes. They seemed to change colour when his mood changed. When Dan was happy, they were the most beautiful shade of blue. But when he was tired they got more grey. As if his eyes needed his energy to shine. Kyle thought it was mesmerizing.

But he’s getting of track. Even with how fucking hot Dan was, he always managed to pick out the weirdest girls for his dates.

“How did you even manage to do that?” Kyle was a bit baffled. Because that’s totally not like Dan. He was like the most peaceful person he knew. Dan backed out when an argument got a bit too heated. He just couldn’t be bothered. He find getting in rows was just a waste of energy. But apparently this girl know how to push his buttons.

“She was going on about how Brexit is a good thing. She was fucking crazy Ky.” Dan shouted. 

“Oh Dan, first rule in dating etiquette is that you never talk about politics on a first date, didn’t anybody ever tell you?”

Dan huffed “Who made you an expert on dating, I can’t even remember you going on a date in forever.”

Kyle’s whole body tensed. He was not comfortable talking about this. Dan’s love life was fine, he could take that. But no, Kyle’s love life was non-existing due to his crush on his best friend. It was not a topic he would talk about with Dan. “I don’t have to be an expert to have a bit of common sense you, knobhead.” 

“I love you too, mate.” Dan chuckled. “Well, it’s getting late, we’ll still hang out tomorrow right?”

“Definitely. I’ll text you.”

“Alright, night, Ky.”

“Night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was haaard to think of something Dan would dislike so much that he would get in a row about it.  
> Fun fact: my boyfriend always tells me arguments and getting angry is just a waste of energy. So this one's for him haha.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	3. You're missing what is right before your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this took a little bit of time to write. I didn't really know where to take this and I wanted to give you guys a longer chapter than the last (that was reaaally short). But I got some help from the awesome RiaVicto :D 
> 
> It's longer than the last chapters combined. So I hope you enjoy. X

3.

Friday night. Date night for Dan. Stay at home and watch Netflix all night for Kyle. It wasn’t that he didn’t have any other friends to go out with. But chances were Dan’s date wouldn’t go well. And Kyle wanted to be available when Dan called him. He’d sunk that low. It was pathetic.

His phone lit up with a text.

 **Dan:** _Mate! I’m in the pub with Will and Woody, you should come too, we all miss you!_

Apparently no date night for Dan. Kyle thought about it. Should he meet his friends? Or stay home and wallow in self-pity? At the bar he could maybe forget about his miserable life for a while and have some fun.

 **Kyle:** _Yes! I’m in the mood for some beers. Text me which pub and I’m on my way._

Dan texted him the address and it wasn’t that far away. Thirty minutes later Kyle sat with a beer between his friends.

“Dan was just telling about his date, now,” Woody said while he put his arm around Dan’s shoulders.

“Another beautiful story about Dan and his dates,” Will teased, “I’m glad you keep us informed.”

“Was it just as awful as always?” Kyle asked, yet again hoping the date didn’t go as planned although he didn’t wish Dan all these awkward moments with girls. Then again, Dan got himself in these dating situations. He didn’t feel too sorry.

“Well, no, it wasn’t as bad as Brexit-girl. She was actually pretty nice. But I had a small feeling she’s still hung up on her ex,” Dan sighed, “Every topic we talked about in one way or another always led back to her saying something about him. We talked about music, everybody likes music…”

“Yeah and you can’t ever shut up about it, so it’s a mystery to me how she managed to get a word in when you probably went on a rant about it,” Woody piped in.

Dan glared at him but chose to ignore it, “Yeah, well, she managed. And what she said is that her ex liked music very much. Who doesn’t? That’s totally not worth mentioning when you’re on a date.”

They all laughed a bit about this. It was refreshing to Kyle, to not be alone with Dan while discussing his dates. He could relax a bit more and listen to his friends laugh and banter about it.

“No way! I just got a text from her. Seriously,” Dan said in disbelief.

“Didn’t you tell her to delete your number afterwards?” Will asked.

“Well, no of course not, I’m not a dickhead like you,” Dan fired back.

“Yeah, yeah, tell us what she sent,” Kyle wasn’t at all curious.

“She said she had a great time and wants to meet again. Is she serious now?”

Kyle didn’t like that. He didn’t like that one bit. He hoped Dan would say no, but he probably would give her another chance. That’s Dan, always seeing the good in people, it was annoying at times.

“What’re you gonna say then?” Woody asked. Kyle was glad he asked. He didn’t want to seem too curious.

“I don’t know, mate. I can’t really believe she sent me this. Probably gonna say yes. I have nothing to lose right?”

“Apart from another free night you could’ve spent with us, your best friends and maybe your own self-respect, no, I don’t think you have anything to lose,” Woody deadpanned.

Will and Kyle chuckled. Kyle feeling a bit better because anything that kept Dan from going on another date with this girl was welcome in his opinion.

“I have no self-respect left regarding dating, so that is not an issue. And I’m getting real tired of you guys taking a piss at that,” Dan laughed.

“So, go on that date then, and meet us afterwards, so we can take the piss at it some more,” Will told him.

No, no no! Will, what are you doing, you should be talking him out of it, not encourage him, Kyle thought and shot a glare at Will. Not that he noticed, but it felt good to do nonetheless.

“Alright, texting her as we speak. And we’re not meeting afterwards, so don’t get your hopes up.”

Kyle downed his beer at that. It was time for a lot of alcohol. He felt just real fucking sorry for himself.

* * *

 

Kyle wasn’t the only one having more than a few beers. Woody was so far gone there was no way anyone could understand what he was saying and Dan was the only one preventing him from falling out of the booth.

“Ugh Woody, get it together man. Just sit up on your own,” Dan groaned.

Woody grumbled incoherently but tried to sit up straight. He failed however and fell against Will who was sitting on his other side.

“Woods, you have to sit up, or just go home if you can’t do that,” Will said, nudging Woody. Woody just stayed limp against Will.

“Alright, that’s it. I think it’s time for Woody to go home. It’s not like we can have a conversation with him and there’s no need to make his hangover worse than it probably will be tomorrow,” Will said matter-of-factly.

“But you’re staying right? I’m not ready to go home yet. It’s early. I can’t help it Woody doesn’t know his limits. So stay!” Dan pleaded with Will.

“Dan, do you really think Woody can get home on his own? I’m the responsible adult of us four, we’ve established that. So I will bring Woody home and you two have fun for me too, yeah?”

Dan grumbled, “Yeah, yeah, fucking Woody, spoiling all the fun,” he muttered, “Ky, please tell me you’re staying, mate.”

Kyle debated this internally. He didn’t want to go home either. He had a nice buzz going on and was just having a great time with Dan without him mulling over everything he was saying.

“Sure, but only if you buy me the next beer,” Kyle grinned. Dan immediately stood up, walking off to the bar, also grinning.

Kyle helped Will getting Woody up to his feet. The three of them walking to the door. Outside the pub Will stopped Kyle from going back in. Kyle turned around to face him.

“I’m leaving you here with Dan alone, just, if you don’t want him to go on that second date with that girl, maybe just say that. If you like him more than a friend, just tell him.”

Kyle was a bit baffled, Will and Woody knew he was gay but he hadn’t told anyone about his feelings for Dan. But apparently he wasn’t as subtle about it as he liked to think. Kyle groaned, raking one hand over his face, not verbally reacting.

Will clutched his shoulder, “Alright mate, have fun. See you next time, yeah?”

Kyle sighed and smiled at Will, “See you next time.”

He went back inside as Will and Woody got in a taxi. Dan was already back in the booth they were sitting in with two beers. Kyle took a moment just to admire him.

Kyle thought Dan was beautiful. His striking brown hair, his eyes, his smile, which always looked so genuine. But not just on the outside Kyle thought Dan was beautiful, he was also, so, so beautiful on the inside. Dan was someone who would always be there for a friend.

When Kyle’s last boyfriend broke up with him, Dan was there the same night to take his mind off it. Kyle could always call him and he had done that a lot of times after that break-up.

Kyle just hadn’t seen it coming. He thought everything was going well. They even made plans to move in together. But when it came crashing down, Dan was there to pick Kyle up. Dan always tried to make him laugh, which wasn’t really difficult. They had the same humour.

Kyle shook his head snapping out of his thoughts.

Dan noticed Kyle standing there and they locked eyes, Dan smiling that beautiful smile of his. Kyle rolled his eyes at his thoughts. The alcohol made Kyle all mushy and sentimental.

“Ah man, I wish I had someone like Will, who would bring me home and tuck me in.”

Kyle snorted, “You do know Will is gonna hand Woody off to Chrissy, no tucking in there, I doubt even Chrissy is going to do that.”

Dan laughed at that, “Well, I just like to think Will would do that for him. Maybe I should get as drunk as Woody, then you have to bring me home. And I insist you tuck me in,” Dan winked at him.

Dan winked at him? Kyle feels a blush creep up over his face, “Alright, kinda don’t want to haul your drunk ass up all those stairs to your apartment, so please don’t?”

“I promise I won’t. But you may always bring me home and tuck me in. It would even better when I’m not drunk, then I would remember it the next day,” He winked again.

What’s up with Dan, Kyle thinks. Kyle’s getting flustered and red. He doesn’t know what to say. What does Dan mean. Is he flirting with him?

“Or maybe, if your second date goes well, she can tuck you in? Speaking of which, how are you feeling about that? Are you nervous, excited? Do you think she will talk about her ex some more?” Kyle rambled.

He needed to steer this conversation in another direction. And even though Dan’s upcoming date also wasn’t something he wanted to talk about it was better than the flirting from Dan. It was ironic, flirting was almost like Kyle’s second nature. But with Dan, it was hard, even with all the beers he had, he became this flustered, stumbling mess.

Dan groaned a bit, “I don’t know mate. She was pretty cool, but can’t shake the feeling it would be all about her ex again. What do I do when she doesn’t shut up about her ex?”

Kyle thought about it, “Well, I don’t know what you should do. But I think there are two reasons for her to talk about him so much. One is because she isn’t quite over him and two is because he was a big part of her life and she is trying to become closer to you by sharing it. I guess on the next date you should figure out which one of the two it is.”

“Well, if it is the second reason that would explain why she wanted to go on another date.”

“Yeah, maybe. So no more dwelling on this date. I’ve heard enough for tonight,” Kyle smirked at Dan.

And Kyle listened to Will. Well for a bit. They had fun. Laughing and acting like fools. So much so that other people glared at them from time to time. They drank more beer and just genuinely had a good time.

That was a long time ago with Kyle always feeling a bit skittish around Dan. But the beers made him loosen up more, so he enjoyed this night to the fullest, for a moment forgetting about Dan his dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! 
> 
> Let me know what you think. <3


	4. You’ve got your claws buried deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo, a new chapter. 
> 
> By the way, have you all seen the video for Glory? Oh my god, that was so cute en fluffy. I loved it :D
> 
> Have fun reading! 
> 
> <3

Dan was on his second date with this girl that only could talk about her ex. Kyle couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Dan would even agree to go on a second date with her, even though he did tell Dan to figure out why she would talk about her ex that much. Kyle, again, hoped this date wouldn’t go that well. Please just let that girl still have feelings for her ex.

Kyle felt so stupid. All he could think about was Dan. He was getting so desperate that he thought about telling Dan about his crush. Just to get it out in the open. Or maybe he should talk to someone else about it. Or maybe not. Who should he tell. Woody? Or Will? It felt awkward to admit it out loud, even if it wasn’t to Dan. He felt like a teenager all over again, getting all giddy and awkward over a crush on his best friend. He was almost thirty for fuck’s sake.

Kyle decided he needed to man up a bit. He wasn’t a teenager anymore. Will already had his suspicions so it was time to take matters in his own hand. Although, telling Dan was a big step. Kyle really wasn’t sure if Dan would be okay if he would tell him. So he was going to take it slow, talk to someone else about it. Maybe they could give him some tips on how to cope with this fucking crush. Or whatever it was.

He stroked his moustache, putting the strands between his thumb and index finger, something he always did when thinking. He thought about telling Woody. He thought Woody wouldn’t judge him. Well, not really. Kyle would probably have to give him some time to get his jokes out, but after that Woody was a great listener and maybe he could give him some advice.

Kyle stands up, pacing around his living room. There is no way he wants to sit here moping around, waiting for Dan to call him after his date. And what better way to pass the time than telling a friend about your crush on another friends. Kyle doesn’t think there is. So he calls Woody, asking if he wants to come by, because there’s no way that he would go to Woody’s only to see Chrissy there to. One person at a time.

Woody agrees to come by and hang out, bringing a few beers and a bag of crisps with him.

“What?” he asks when Kyle opens the door chuckling, “I was worried you wouldn’t have anything as you almost never have.”

“Ah, the faith you have in me. Just so happens that I got us a pizza but I guess I’m gonna have to eat it by myself then,” Kyle shrugs, closing the door after Woody.

Woody hands him a beer, “let’s trade yeah? You get a beer, I get a piece of pizza.”

“Yeah, yeah, gimme that,” Kyle grabs the bottle from Woody and sits down. The pizza in front of them on the coffee table.

“Go knock yourself out, mate,” Kyle points at the pizza “It’s pepperoni.”

They eat in silence for a while. Until Woody breaks it, his mouth stuffed with pizza

“So, what’s the real reason you wanted to hang out?” Kyle’s eyes grow wide and he chokes a little on a sip of beer.

“W-what? No reason, just wanted to hang out. I knew Dan and Will were busy tonight so I thought I ask you,” he stumbles.

Woody glares at him, not saying anything.

“Alright, alright. There is another reason,” Kyle sighs, his fingers fidgeting with strands of his beard and moustache.

Woody stares at him with a questioning look. “You know you can tell me, mate,” he smiles.

“I know. Give me a minute yeah? Gathering all my courage here,” Kyle says, a little irritated. He wants to tell Woody, that’s why he invited him didn’t he? But how? He feels so stupid. In what way does he tell Woody about his crush, or whatever it is, on Dan?

Woody stays silent, giving Kyle time to muster up what he wants to say. “Okay. Yes. I’m eh, I’m just gonna say it, yeah?”

“Sure, mate, whatever it is. I already know you’re a massive cat lover and I still want to be your friend, so I don’t think anything’s gonna change that,” Woody smiles at him. Kyle laughs a bit half-heartedly. Here goes nothing, he thinks.

“Yeah, apart from the fact I love cats, there eh… there is someone else I love.” Kyle pauses, taking a big breath, “Dan, it’s Dan, I’m in love with Dan.”

Woody’s eyes get a bit bigger, but he doesn’t visibly react to Kyle’s revelation. “Well, I want to say it’s a surprise, but it kinda isn’t. But I am surprised you admitted it. To yourself and to me.”

“It isn’t a surprise? Am I that obvious about it really? Will also already told me that he had his suspicions. Do you think Dan knows? Or has his suspicions too?” Kyle asks a bit worried now.

“Nah, I don’t think Dan suspects a thing. He wouldn’t talk to you about his dates that much if he had, I think. And well, yeah. I guess you can say you’re obvious. You talk about him a lot man. And like, you get that look in your eyes when you look at him. Sorry mate.”

“Ugh, mate,” Kyle leans forward, putting his face in his hands, elbows leaning on his knees, “what am I gonna do about it though? It’s not like he reciprocates my feelings. How do you ever get over your best friend?”

“Well first of all, don’t be so sure it isn’t reciprocated. I think Dan is more gay than he has admitted to himself. Second, go on some dates yourself, there are a lot of great people out there, not a bit expert on the guys department but I assume there are great guys as well. Don’t stay pining over one guy, who is even your best friend if you don’t think you have a chance with him,” Woody advises.

“Kinda getting mixed advice from you, pal. Do you think I have a chance with him or not. At this point I just need a little bit more clearance about this please. Can’t you tell I’m desperate?”

“I don’t know if you have a chance with him. That’s for you to decide I think. Sorry mate. But what I do know is that Dan has a soft spot for you. You can’t do anything wrong with him. So do with this information what you want. But for now, let’s play some video games, as that is what you lured me over here with,” Woody smirks.

 

* * *

Kyle hadn’t heard anything from Dan since his date last night. It has been almost a full 24 hours and Kyle thought it was time to ask him how it went because Dan hadn’t bother to share it yet. Which didn’t look so positive if you asked Kyle.

 **Kyle:** _Dan, my man! How was your date? Any more talk about her ex?_

Please just let that be the case, Kyle thought, nervously waiting with his phone in his hand. When Dan didn’t reply right away, he sought distraction in his videogames. But to no avail really, he got killed a lot, and while he was waiting for the game to load again, there was enough time to think. Not only about how Dan’s date went, but also about what Woody told him. Dan and him were really good friends. Kyle told him everything (alright, except for one major thing) and he thought Dan told him everything to. They just clicked. From the minute they met, it was as if they already knew each other. Kyle was beginning to doubt his conviction that he didn’t have a chance with Dan. He felt a small bit of hope about this crush for the first time.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, probably Dan.

 **Dan:** _Ky, my guy! That date went well man. She’s still here as we speak. She explained that it was because she wanted to share her life and he was a big part of that. Weird, but I guess you were right._

 **Dan:** _Also, we have a lot in common. Talked the whole night. It has been a while but I think there’s a third date coming._

Kyle was devastated. The little hope he felt just a little over five minutes ago was skilfully smashed into tiny pieces. How could he respond to this? He couldn’t let Dan know he was jealous. He couldn’t let him know this was the last thing he wanted. He just had to be happy for him and show him that he was supportive.

 **Kyle:** T _hat sounds great mate! Indeed, can’t even remember if you ever went on a third date. If you want to gush about her when she’s gone, you know where I live._

Not that Kyle really wanted to hear about it. But he thought it was good be up to date. He wouldn’t get a big surprise all of a sudden like that. And he thought that was better for his poor heart in the end.

 

* * *

Dan came by the next day, his smile radiating with happiness and looking way too cute for Kyle’s liking. He told Kyle all about this girl, how they have so much in common and how cute she is. He was almost looking like a teenage girl in love. But even though Kyle didn’t really like it, he couldn’t deny that Dan looked very happy. And Dan deserved to be happy, just because he was the best fucking person in the world.

While Dan was gushing about this girl, Kyle’s mind wandered a little. He thought about ways to get over Dan. Woody gave him some pretty good advice about that. So he thought, why not take that. He didn’t want to mope around pining for Dan.

So he made the decision to be more open for dating, maybe he would even go as far as going on a dating site.

He was happy for Dan, now it was time to make himself happy in love too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hoped you liked it!
> 
> As always, I like to know what you think of this, comments and kudos keep me going haha.
> 
> X


	5. I'm tired of waving my arms in the back of the line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's shake things up: Kyle goes on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, it's been way too long ago since I updated. I hope the next update will be quicker and that you're still with me. I'm definitely going to finish this!

5.

Kyle had made a promise to himself, so the next day he signs up on a dating site, as he thinks that would be the easiest way to get a date.

Not that he was really excited about said dating site. But, as Woody told him, it could help him get over Dan. And at this point, he thought that would be the best.

If only Kyle had listened to Will and told Dan, that night in the pub, that he didn’t want him to go on that second date, he thinks. But, no time for regrets, what’s done is done, and all that kind of clichés.

He feels a little uneasy scrolling through the dating app. Sure, there  were enough good looking guys on there (also enough guys who... err… weren’t Kyle’s type to put it nicely) but none of them were Dan. He felt hopeless. Maybe he wasn’t ready to date yet?

No, he thought, he was not going to back out. He was going to take Woody’s advice. At least one date, he decided.

There were a few guys he thought he could click with, so he sent them a message. He was filled with dread. After his ex, he hadn’t dated anyone, save for a few hook ups after a drunk night. This was totally not like him, to go on a dating site looking for a new boyfriend. But Woody was right, no need to pine over Dan as he would not have a chance with him. And yes, getting out there again was the best way to get over his best friend.

He already got a message back from one of the guys he approached, that was quick. In Kyle’s opinion it was the most handsome and the most interesting one. He had a bit of dishevelled brown hair, was tall – as Kyle liked someone who would be a bit of the same height as he – and had green eyes. Now that he thought about it, he reminded him of Dan.  Maybe he shouldn’t go on a date with a guy who made him think of his unrequited crush? Or maybe it was a good way for Kyle to ease into the whole dating world again.

They messaged back and forth for a few days, getting to know each other a bit. Kyle liked it for now, Oliver, the name of the green-eyed man, was funny and  interesting to talk to. So they decided to get go on a date together to see if they had a click in real life too. Kyle was fucking nervous. He was so out of it, he didn’t even know what he had to expect. Desperate, he decided to call the expert on dating.

“Dan, hi, can you please come over today? I have a date tonight and I need your advice as you’re the expert here,” Kyle begged his friend.

“A- a date? Oh… Okay, well ehm, yeah, sure, I can come over, I can be there, at 4, is that alright?” Dan stammered.

“Eh, yeah, that’s great. Thanks mate, I’m really out of it, so I need all the help that I can get.”

“Sure, dude, I’ll see you at 4 then.”

“See you then,” and with that Kyle hangs up.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to call Dan for this, but being this nervous, he didn’t even think about his feelings for Dan. There were more important things right now. See? It looks likes this dating thing is already working.

A little after 4, Kyle hears someone barging in his apartment. He had kept himself busy for the whole day, cleaning, trying to play some videogames, watching a stupid show on tv. Not that he was able to keep his focus on either of this things for too long, but now Dan was here and could keep him distracted until his date.

“Ky!” Dan shouts with a huge grin on his face, “How are you, my man. Nervous?”

“Oh fuck you Smith, you enjoy this way too much,” he grumbles.

“Kinda, yeah. I mean, usually I am the one going on dates, now the roles are reversed. I just hope you have a little more luck with dating than me,” Dan winks, but his smile falters quickly, turning more into a sad smile.

Not that Kyle notices, he had his head in his closet, “Yeah, yeah, just, tell me what to wear.”

“Sure, alright, let’s go with something classic and simple but also something that really says ‘Kyle’ yeah?”

“Whatever man, at this point I would wear whatever you hand me,” Kyle sighs dramatically.

“Well, in that case…” Dan retaliates, the smirk returning. Kyle sends him a glare, to which Dan lifts his hands defensively “Alright, alright, no jokes. Noted.”

Dan pulls out black jeans out of Kyle’s closet, along with a maroon t-shirt which has a little cat peeking out the chest pocket.

“This. Simple but cute,” Dan says, handing the clothes to Kyle and blushing a bit when he realises what he says.

Kyle gives him a confusing look but doesn’t comment on it. He looks at the clothes, Dan picked his favourite jeans, and he really liked that t-shirt. Dan maybe wasn’t the most stylish person he knew, but he got this right. “Thanks! This will be alright for tonight.”

“You have to pick your own shoes, or you would have to want to wear knackered Converse,” Dan jokes.

Kyle rolls his eyes at that, “Ha, no, that’ll be alright, Converse are your trademark, but thanks though," he says sending Dan a smile, “thanks for coming over too. You have any tips from the dating expert himself for tonight?”

“Well, as you said, no politics on the first date,” he grins, “and I would avoid talking about your ex, especially since he’s a dick.”

“And you talked already, right? Well, use those topics to talk about more tonight, you already have a connection, so this should be alright,” he comforts his best friend.

“Alright, yeah, it’s just, it’s been so long, ‘s just, makes me nervous.”

“Sure, totally get that, it’s gonna be okay though, just have fun and be your funny and witty self," Dan smiles, "And if it all goes to hell, you know who you can call." 

“You sure you wanna give me that advice?” Kyle asked, smirking, "but I have your number yeah."

“Alright, be witty, but hold it back a little, dosage it, until he’s used to it,” he laughs, “Well, I have to go, date night for me too. Have fun yeah?” And he hugs Kyle goodbye. The hug lingers a little longer than Kyle is used to with Dan, but he explains to himself it’s just his friend wanting to comfort him.

“Let’s hope you don’t have to call me tonight,” Dan jokes and closes the door after him.

-

Kyle is way too early. He doesn’t want to go in yet, so he paces in front of the restaurant for a bit, trying to calm his nerves. When he looks up he sees Oliver a few feet away, with his back to him. He debates what to do, should he go greet him or already go inside and wait for him there?

He berates himself for being this awkward and even thinking about it too long. That’s not what he was like. So he walked to Oliver and tapped his shoulder. “Hi, Oliver?” He asked.

Oliver turned around, “Kyle!” He greeted enthusiastically and embraced Kyle in a hug.

Well, Kyle thought, this is a good start at least.

“I thought a was a nervous idiot for being here so early, but it seems I’m not the only one,” Oliver laughs.

Kyle laughs too, “thanks for calling me an idiot though, but yeah, same.”

“Oh god, well, that’s a good start to the evening then, not two minutes in and I already managed to insult you.”

“It’s alright, mate, I bloody know it’s true. Let’s go in!”

For the first part of the evening, everything went fine. They laughed together, Kyle did not ever brought up his ex or politics.

Halfway through, Oliver excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Kyle takes this time to check his phone, he sees two missed calls from Dan. His best friend knew he was on a date right now, so why would he call. Should Kyle call him back? Maybe a quick text, telling him he would call later?

Pondering what to do, his phone lights up with an incoming call. It looks like the decision is made for him, so he picks up.

“Dan? What’s up?” he asks a bit puzzled, wondering why Dan called.

“Ky!” Dan cries – he cries? – “I’m the biggest moron when it comes to love. She, she said… she just said it wasn’t going to work out. I thought everything was going well, but apparently I’m the biggest knobhead on this earth.”

Kyle’s heart breaks in a million tiny pieces. Dan doesn’t deserve anything like this. No matter how jealous he was of that girl, no matter how much Kyle secretly still hoped it wouldn’t work out, he wanted Dan to be happy. And Dan didn’t sound anything near happy right now. That fucking girl was the stupidest girl in the world, why would she let Dan go?

“I know I shouldn’t be that bothered by it, I mean, we only knew each other for a month, but I really had hope about it. I mean, this was our fourth date. It’s been so long since I even went on a second date…” Dan trails off. Kyle could still hear he was crying softly.

“Oh Dan, you’re not a moron nor a knobhead. You’re just a hopeless romantic. And that girl, seriously, she doesn’t know what she gives up on. You’re the best guy a girl can wish for, really! She's just stupid that she would let someone as amazing as you go," Kyle comforts his friend.

He starts to feel a bit uncomfortable because Oliver is back in his seat, giving Kyle a questioning look. Kyle's instinct tells him to run to Dan and comfort him and give him the biggest hug possible, as it is hard to do that through the phone, but it wouldn’t help him get over Dan. And he wants to give Oliver a chance, because this guy was really interesting.

“But eh, I think you forgot,” and he looks up to Oliver giving him a reassuring smile, “but, I’m kinda on a date right now. So ehm, is there anyone else you can call? If not I can come to you…”

“Oh god... Ky, I’m so sorry, I did forget yeah. I… it’s just… I always call you afterwards and haven’t thought for a second about your date. I’ll hang up, no worries, I’ll be fine, really!” Dan blabbers.

“You sure, mate?” Kyle asks, worry existent in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah, go have fun on your date, just, call me afterwards? Or tomorrow? Depending on how the date goes?”

A little reassured by the lame joke Dan made Kyle says his goodbye.

“I’m sorry, about that,” he smiles at Oliver.

“Ah, man, that’s okay, just you being a good friend, right?”

Kyle feels a pang in his chest at that, he wants to be more than friends with Dan so badly. “Yeah, Dan, my friend, just has the worst luck in love,” he begins.

And with that, the date goes south real quick. As if the floodgates had opened, Kyle can’t stop talking about his best friend and every time Oliver tries to steer the conversation away from the blue eyed guy, Kyle gets lost in thought, worrying about how Dan’s doing.

After the main course, Oliver puts his cutlery down. “Alright. As much as I liked the first part of this evening, and as much as I think you’re fun to hang out with, it seems like you don’t really want to be here. And it makes me want to be anywhere else but here too,” Oliver states bluntly, getting up from his seat.

“Wait, no, I do want to be here, stay!” Kyle states frantically.

“You’re only kidding yourself here, Kyle. I’m really not in the mood for this kind of complicated start of whatever this could have been. You obviously have a thing for your friend. Well, I’m not going to be in the middle of that.” He throws some cash on the table and leaves the restaurant, leaving a baffled Kyle behind.

Kyle sees no other way than getting up himself too and paying the bill. He was a bit astonished with the outburst of his date not a minute ago. He really let himself go, he knew it when he was talking about Dan, but he couldn’t hold himself in. The worry about his friend making it too hard to keep himself in hand.  


And Oliver was right of course, but Kyle wouldn’t have thought that he would put him in his place like that.

Well, that was a great way to ease in the dating life again, Kyle thought bitterly.

Walking back to his apartment, his phone pings.

**Oliver:** _I’m sorry I was that harsh, man. But really, I just had a similar experience and I was the one who ended up getting hurt. I hope you and your friend work it out, wish you the best, yeah?_

Kyle smiles, Oliver was just protecting himself, which was understandable. He was glad Oliver sent him this text, it made the failed date a little more bearable.

**Kyle:** _You can say I was a dick, I know, but thanks, I wish you the best too. And I'm sorry._

When he gets home he decides to call Dan. Kyle now has all the time to talk, hell, he would even go to Dan’s if he gets asked.

But Dan doesn’t answer. Not the first time and not the three times after. Which is weird, as Dan usually is attached to his phone. Maybe he’s already asleep, Kyle thinks.

But it keeps nagging him, he doesn’t know why. That night he keeps tossing and turning in his bed, not able to get much sleep and worrying about Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome :)
> 
> If you want to talk or anything I have tumblr, please do :) username is [Bast-top](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/bast-top)


	6. You've been looking, keep looking me over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was long overdue. But I hope you will enjoy.

6.

It’s late. It’s late and he is in a pub. It’s late, he is in a pub and it’s busy and warm. He had already had way too much to drink. He drank all his thoughts and sorrows away. He wanted to forget about his miserable life. He wanted to forget about the person he truly loved, but who only loved him back as a friend.  He was sitting at the bar, sliding his pint from one hand to the other over the bar.

“Your beer won’t taste any better if you keep shoving it into your hands like that, you know?”

He looked up, irritated, who did this guy think he was, butting in like that. What he did with his beer was his concern, nothing the other man should worry about.

So that’s what he told the man. “I think it’s none of your business what I’m doing with my beer, I paid for it, I can do with it what I want.” He looked up, aggravated expression visible on his face, and locked eyes with the man next to him.

His expression faltered.  The man was handsome. And now all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss that man. Yes it was a shallow of him, but can you blame him with all the alcohol in his system?

“I’m sorry, bad night, you’re right of course,” he said, and stopped sliding the beer back and forth.

“Here, let me buy you a new one, but only if you promise to drink it, not ruining it,” the man grinned at him, “I’m Daniel by the way.”

He snorted at that, of fucking course, it wasn’t like it was an uncommon name, though. “Ha, me too, but you can call me Dan. And I’d like that beer,” he smiled.

They talked for quite some time. Nothing Dan would remember the next day, but it was pleasant. Daniel was entertaining, he was funny and made Dan laugh numerous times. Maybe it was the alcohol more than Daniel. But it didn’t matter. Dan could forget about Kyle. He could forget about his horrible dating life. His life, where he tried to get over Kyle and tried so with launching himself into dating.

His strategy had always been to pick someone as contrasting as possible from Kyle. So that’s why he stuck to girls. That’s why he never had been on a date with a guy. He knew for a long time that he wasn’t straight. He had crushes on guys when he was a teenager. But he had crushes on girls too. And it was way easier to date girls than to date guys. He didn’t have anything to explain to others, people expected him, as anyone in general, to be straight and for anyone else he was. But Dan himself knew he liked guys as much as he liked girls. And well, lately he began to think he liked guys a bit more than girls. One guy in particular.

Kyle had been his best friends for quite some time now. And right from the beginning Dan thought Kyle was amazing. At first he didn’t think any of it. Kyle was a spontaneous guy, who knew how to make Dan enthusiastic for all kinds of things. Dan thought it was just how Kyle was, that made him feel happy and excited. Because together they did all kinds of weird stuff. They dressed up in tiger onesies for a party of one of Kyle’s friends, where they stole the show by their weird dancing and their joking together, fueled by all the alcohol they had drank. It wasn’t a costumed party or whatever, no they just decided they didn’t want to change and stayed in their comfortable onesies. They got some weird looks, but Dan didn’t mind because they had so much fun.

They had numerous late nights with weird conversations, Kyle always thinking of something new and weird they could talk about, only feeding Dan’s enthusiasm to talk about all kind of complots and theories he had thought of. They went swimming in the Thames, something Dan would never recommend to others but when they roamed the city afterwards in the middle of the night, smelling like crap from the dirty water, Dan felt happy, a tingling sensation running through his body.

And when Dan got home and took a shower, he realised that didn’t only think of Kyle as a best friend, yes of course, that was the first thing. But he had to admit to himself that he was developing a crush on him. Kyle made him feel alive.

Dan didn’t do anything about it though. Firstly because he didn’t want to ruin his friendship with Kyle. He valued that way too much to possibly ruin it. Secondly because, although he knew Kyle was gay, he never had any  indication that Kyle might like him back. And he was always been a bit of a coward. He didn’t dare to ever date a guy, just because of what people might say or think and along with the fear of being rejected is was a big reason he didn’t dare to act on his crush on Kyle.

But now, with all the alcohol running through his veins, after the umpteenth failed date, he decided to just go for it with a guy. He had no intention to ever see the man again. Imagine him dating someone with the same name as himself. That could only get confusing. And besides, as handsome as the guy was, Kyle had his heart for now as pathetic as that sounded, even to Dan.

“You wanna dance?” Dan asked, sliding of the bar stool and taking a step towards the other man. “I can’t say I’m a good dancer, I dare to say I’m the worst dancer, but we can have fun.” He looked the tall man straight in the eyes, hoping it was at least a bit seducing.

He got a feeling from Daniel that he was into Dan as much as Dan was into him. It was pure lust. But that was good. It was not that he was looking for more than just a hook up.

“Yeah sure,” the man smiled and looked around a bit self-consciously. “Although, err… there aren’t any other people dancing? And there’s not much space either.” He scratched his neck, looking more and more uncomfortable.

“Who cares?” Dan shrugged. “Let’s just have some fun. Maybe we can get some more people dancing if we start.”

Daniel did not look like he wanted to dance. He cowered a bit, pushing himself against the bar.

“What about this, I pay for a round of shots and maybe afterwards we will dance?” Dan smiled sweetly, taking a small step towards Daniel.

Daniel relaxed visibly at that, a sigh leaving his lungs. “That sounds good! You in for tequila?”  
  
With a bit of a grin thrown at Daniel, Dan turned towards the bartender, ordering two shots of tequila for each. They knocked back both shots in no time at all. 

Daniel put his last shot down, looking up at Dan, grinning too. He took a step towards Dan, their bodies pressing together. Dan felt hot and bothered at that, the mix of the burning alcohol in his body and the feeling of the other man pressed against him. There definitely was not much space left between them when he locked eyes with Daniel. Both their smiles were gone as they looked at each other, pupils blown with lust.

Daniel grabbed Dan by his waist, pulling him together even more. “What about we skip the dancing and we just leave?” He whispered in Dan’s ear.

Dan shuddered at that. He liked that Daniel took the lead. So he nodded and grabbed Daniel’s hand.

When they were outside Daniel pushed Dan against the rough brick wall. He attacked Dan’s neck, sucking and biting, Dan was sure there would be at least a few marks afterwards.

Kissing his way up Dan’s neck and jaw, Daniel eventually connected their lips and they started making out feverishly.

After a few minutes Dan pulled away, they were both panting. “Should we err, go somewhere else? Off the streets maybe?”

Daniel smirked, “Yeah, that seems like a good idea. I live only a few blocks away, that alright?”

Dan agreed immediately, “sure, better than the street right?” he said, kissing Daniel again. 

* * *

 

Dan woke up with a killer headache. He wished he was home, but unfortunately he wasn’t.

No matter how much Dan drank, he would always remember the night before. Which was both a blessing and a curse if you asked him. He was glad he remembered the night before, because it was the first time he had sex with a man. If he wasn’t as hung over as he was right now he would probably have freaked out. Because, that was a big deal!

He looked next to him and noticed Daniel was still vast asleep. He let himself sink back into the pillows, contemplating if he should wake him up or just get up and leave.

After a few minutes going back and forth, he decided to just bolt, not particularly in the mood to have a conversation with some guy he practically didn’t know. Besides, even without his headache, he didn’t think he really wanted to talk to Daniel again. Yes, he decided, it was best to just get up and leave.

Gathering his clothes, he left the apartment. He lost a sock, couldn’t find it in his hurry to leave. Outside, on one bare foot and one sock, shoes in hand, he sank down on the stairs, getting his phone out of his pocket.

He saw the notifications. Five missed calls from Kyle. Even for him that was much. Although, Dan couldn’t really know. He kind of was surgically attached to his phone.

Except for last night then.

He sighed, first things first though, he thought, and put on his knackered Converse. After that he gets up and walks down the stairs. He wondered if he should call Kyle or maybe just go to his house. But, who knew how the date went yesterday, maybe Kyle’s date was with him. Or Kyle was at the other’s place.

It was best to call him first, Dan decided, so that’s what he did.   
  
“Dan! You fucking wanker! Why didn’t you pick up your phone last night? You’re always on your phone, what happened?”

Dan had to pull his phone away from his ear, as Kyle was yelling through the speaker. This really didn’t help ease his head ache.

“Ow, Ky, sorry, but just, can you keep it down a bit? You don’t have to yell and I have a massive head ache,” Dan groaned.

“If I want to yell, I yell,” Kyle told him, not lowering his volume one bit. “You should just fucking pick up your phone if I call you. Your phone never leaves your hand. What did you do last night that you weren’t near your phone?”

Dan blushed at that. If only Kyle knew. “I’m sorry Ky, really! But please! Let me first take some painkillers, then you can yell all you want. Can I come over?”

He heard Kyle grumbling on the other side of the line. Dan knew Kyle had forgiven him at that point, he was never one to be angry for long.

“Please? I bring you some breakfast? Or eh… is your date still there?”

“No! No… Sure, bring breakfast. And some tea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I trick you into thinking that it was Kyle in the pub? Yes? No? Sometimes I think I'm so clever lol.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. Have already written a big part of the next chapter so it shouldn't take as long as this one :)
> 
> Comments are really much appreciated :)
> 
> <3


	7. No one’s gonna stick the pieces together for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle wants to tell Dan something. 
> 
> Dan wants to tell Kyle something too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, two updates in three days? 
> 
> (it's me trying to make up for the fact I abandoned this fic for over a month)

7.

Even though Kyle couldn’t be angry at Dan for long, he still was a bit annoyed. If it was any other person he wouldn’t be bothered that they didn’t answer their phone. But with Dan it was different.  
He knew Dan checked his phone at least every ten minutes. Preferably more often.

But when Dan walked in, his hair totally messed up, drinks in one hand breakfast in the other, that annoyance was completely gone. Even totally hung over, Dan stilled looked illegally good in Kyle’s opinion.

“Hey!” Dan grinned tiredly, “breakfast and tea for you, coffee for me. I don’t think my stomach would agree if I would eat right now.”

“Rough night?” Kyle asked, while taking the food and the tea from Dan.

“Err.. yeah you can say that.” Dan scratched his neck, which made Kyle shift his eyes to Dan’s neck, noticing the bitemarks Daniel left there.

“Huh, I guess that explains why you didn’t pick up your phone last night right?” Kyle scoffed, pointing at the marks.

Feeling even more awkward Dan walks past Kyle, trying to escape his scrutinising gaze. “I eh, I guess.” The fact that a man made these marks, made Dan feel so much more self-conscious about it. He really didn’t know if he should tell Kyle about it or not, knowing Kyle, he would ask about it.

“I thought you said you got dumped last night?” Kyle knew he shouldn’t be so intrusive and curious but well, he just couldn’t help himself. He sat next to Dan, taking a sip of his tea.

“True, but then I felt real sorry for myself and you were on your date so I got drunk in the first pub I found.” Dan shifted a bit more, still not feeling that comfortable, taking a tentative sip from his coffee.

“Ah, and you got lucky. Alright… well… Parks and rec then?” Kyle asked, kind of wanting to know more but sensing Dan did not want to talk about it, the awkward tension was almost visible.

“Sounds good,” Dan smiled, “If I can use your shower afterwards,” tension leaving his shoulders.

“Deal.” Kyle grinned, putting on the show and getting comfortable next to Dan.

* * *

 

“Mate, I fucking love your shower. Showers are the best after a heavy night of drinking but your shower is just magical,” Dan said grinning when he got out of the bathroom, hair still damp, falling over his forehead.

“Glad you enjoyed, you can always come over to use it, you know that,” Kyle said, eyes focused on the game he was playing.

“I might take you up on that. I feel as new right now.” Dan still grinning, sat next to Kyle.

Kyle paused the game when he felt Dan sitting next to him. “So, you gonna tell me who the girl was you hooked up with?” he asked.

Dan looked at Kyle. “Why are you so curious? It’s not that remarkable, is it?”

Kyle sighed, trailing his hands over his face. “I don’t really know,” he said monotonously.

Dan was silent. One side of him wanted to talk to Kyle about the night before. Not about what exactly had happened, but about the fact that he hooked up with a guy instead of a girl. He wanted it out in the open. But the other side was scared. He really was a coward, he thought, silently scolding himself.

“Alright!” Kyle exclaimed, startling Dan, “I know why I asked that.”

He didn’t know how to continue though, so he stayed silent.

“So eh, why then?” Dan asked tentatively. He really didn’t want to scare Kyle into not telling him why.

Kyle took another deep breath gathering all his courage. He didn’t really know why but he knew he wanted to tell Dan how he felt about him. Not that he expected anything from it, hell, here is best friend sat next to him, marks visible in his neck, proof that he got busy last night. But it was time. And maybe they could move forward from it. Maybe it wouldn’t affect their friendship that much.

“Okay. This is way harder than I thought it would be.”

“Take your time, mate,” Dan said reassuringly. “Would it be better if I told you about my hook up first, I mean, it’s not really note-worthy but if it helps?”

“Yeah, maybe, yeah. I think so.” Kyle didn’t dare to look at Dan, or even in his direction.

Dan shifted, facing Kyle. “Alright, well. There’s a reason I’m so awkward about it. I eh. Well. It wasn’t a girl.”

“W-what?” Kyle asked, feeling really confused.

“It wasn’t a girl, I hooked up with a guy. First time though. I always knew I was also into guys but this was the first time I acted on it.” It was way easier to confess to his friend than Dan thought it would be.

“Again, what? You hooked up with a guy? You’re not straight?” Kyle still couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“No, don’t really have a label for it but no, not straight,” Dan confirmed.

“Wow,” Kyle said, deep in thought. “That is some revelation, dude.”

“I know, sorry? But it might be easier to tell me what you wanted to?”

“Why haven’t you ever said anything before? I mean, come on. I’m as gay as can be, you thought I would think of you any different? You think I’d judge you for it?” His voice gradually got louder, trying not to show his annoyance but failing badly.

“I know, I know. I haven’t told anybody. Hell, I didn’t even want to admit it to myself for a long time.”  
“Does it mean you have something against being gay? Or, as you say, ‘not straight’?”

“What? No! Of course not. Why’d you think that? No!” Dan exclaimed.

“You haven’t felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it. Even if you weren’t totally sure, you could’ve talked to me. Maybe I could have helped you. You know I struggled with it. Why’d you have the idea you should have to figure it out on your own? It sucks, mate! It sucks that you didn’t trust me enough to talk about it. That hurts, dude. Do you get that?” Kyle got up, not wanting to be near Dan.

“Ky! No! You can’t make this about you! That’s not fair.” Dan got up too, walking towards Kyle, trying to calm him down. But Kyle only stepped away, not wanting Dan to touch him. This conversation was totally going the wrong way.

“It’s not that I have something against gay people or anyone that’s not straight! I know I’m a coward and I hate the fact I needed buttloads of alcohol to even think about kissing another guy. And maybe I should have talked about it to you first. Or anyone else. But I didn’t. I didn’t because the moment I was sure I liked guys too, the moment I couldn’t deny that I’m into guys was the same moment I found out that I was crushing on you. Because of you I was finally certain of my sexuality. I was in love with you. I ám in love with you.” Dan was getting desperate now, he tried to steer away from turning into a proper argument.

“Oh whoopty fucking doo. You think that makes it better?” Kyle asked, throwing his arms in the air. “You think I care? You didn’t have to tell me it was because of me. But seriously, it hurts that you didn’t even made an attempt. I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re straight, gay, bi or whatever. But the fact that you never even tried to talk to me about it. Really, I thought we were better friends than that.”

Dan slumped down on the couch, feeling crushed. Kyle was right. He was so right. He wished he would have talked to him about it. Or even to anyone. But on the other hand, he knew that’s not how he was. He had to figure things out on his own first.

“I know there’s probably nothing that can make it better. But you have to know. I wanted to tell you. I really did. But I was afraid. Not because of your reaction. I know you would never judge anyone because of his sexuality. But because it would be permanent the moment I would say it out loud.”

Kyle looked at Dan, he looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, eyes bloodshot, his skin looking greyish. Kyle felt a wave of tenderness wash over him.

But no. He was angry. He couldn’t just comprehend what Dan just had confessed. He needed to think.

“I… I really just don’t know what to say right now. I need some time. I’m sorry.”

“No! You don’t have to be sorry. I dropped a bomb on you. I’ll ehh, I’ll just go. Can you call me? Or text? Something? Whenever you’re ready.”

“Sure,” Kyle said, all energy drained from him. “I’ll call.”

Dan got up and gathered his stuff. At the door he looked back at his best friend one more time. He was feeling dramatic, sue him. That freaking handsome, awesome man, looking hurt and betrayed, all because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no Kyle! What are you doing?


	8. I'm not gonna try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. First I'm sorry I took a long time again :(  
> I really had a hard time writing this, I think I've written and rewritten this three times. And thanks to the lovely [RiaVicto](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaVicto/pseuds/RiaVicto), who gave me some really good feedback, I'm finally somewhat satisfied with it. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

8.

“You fucking thick-headed moron,” Woody shouted through the phone. “What were you thinking with your simple brain? I thought you were a bit brighter than this you fucking twat.”

“That’s a lot of swear words, must be some kind of record,” Kyle mused, “But I know, I know. Thing is, I don’t know how to make it better. I mean. I screwed up.”

“You can definitely say that.” Woody’s initial anger had already subsided a bit. “Kyle, listen, you’re a good friend but mate, what was going on in your brain for you to get angry at Dan when he fucking declared his love for you? Did you just momentarily black out or something, have you missed him telling you that he loves you? Because that’s the only explanation I can come up with. Not that long ago we sat on your couch talking about how much you love him. And now he has told you he feels the same and you get angry?”

“I did… I just, I got jealous okay?” Kyle scratched the back of his neck. “I got jealous because he slept with another guy. All while I was here, available and all.”

Kyle heard Woody sigh on the other end of the line. “But Kyle…  You understand that you did the same thing as him? You went on a date with some guy too.”

“Yeah but I didn’t sleep with him. And I thought Dan was straight, that I didn’t stand a chance.” Kyle almost screamed at this point.  He hoped his neighbours weren’t home.

“You have to make it up to him. He’s devastated. He thinks he destroyed your weird friendship. I tried to tell him he didn’t but he won’t believe me. Make a grand gesture, let him know you feel the same way about him too. Be honest, you can tell him you were jealous and that’s why you got angry. I think he will understand. But two depressed pining friends is too much, even for me. Fix it please.”

Kyle scoffed a bit but agreed with Woody. “I know. And I will. I just need a little bit more time. I want to do it right.”

“Just, get a move on. Dan’s being all pessimistic and he takes us all down that lane with him. And totally unnecessary if you just hadn’t acted so butthurt.”  
  
“Alright, I get it, Woody. But you don’t have to blame me. Not gonna argue but you _can_ tell him to go home you know?”

“Yes. Now get your shit together and apologise. Then we don’t have anything to argue about.”

“Sure, I will.” And with that Kyle hung up, not bothering to say goodbye.

It was annoying. He knew very well he should apologise to Dan. He was way out of line when he got so mad at him. Technically Dan did nothing wrong, he could do whatever he wanted. Did he want to sleep around? Sure, Dan could do that. With men or women. Kyle had no right to get angry at that. They were friends, nothing more.

But Dan had said that he wanted more. Okay, he didn’t _really_ say that. But Kyle could assume that right? And now that Dan had at least confessed he loved him, Kyle got scared. He really was an idiot.

Kyle paced around his apartment, not sure what he should do. Deep in his heart he wanted to declare his love for Dan too. But the consequences were so big. It would change so much. Kyle was scared out of his mind. Of course it could go right. But it also could go so wrong. Dan had never been with a guy before, only the one night stand he told Kyle about last week. Did Kyle really wanted to be the first? What if Dan eventually decided guys just weren’t it for him? He knew it was idiotic for him to think Dan was the one who would ‘experiment’, but he couldn’t stop it, his pessimistic mind taking over.

He scoffed at his own thoughts, experimenting was a lame excuse for guys who didn’t want to admit to themselves they were gay. He didn’t think Dan was like that.

But Kyle really did not know what to do. He really wanted to go for it. He should just ask Dan out on a date and tell him he felt the same. He wanted to do that. And then Dan would be happy and Kyle would be happy too. After years of being friends they finally would be more than that. Kyle could finally feel Dan’s lips on his, feel how soft they were, feel the stubble Dan often sported on his jaw with his hands.

Or Dan would say that he never thought Kyle would feel the same way. That it was okay that he was in love with Kyle but that he didn’t want anything with it. That that was the reason that he hadn’t told Kyle before. Or maybe it went alright at first, but then they would fight, God knows about what and they would break up or something.

Kyle thought back to his last relationship. When him and Matt, broke up, it got really ugly. He really loved him. And Matt loved Kyle too, but after two years, the love from Matt’s side was slowly vanished. Something he hadn’t told Kyle. Kyle had always thought everything was going well. He had noticed Matt was getting more distant but he thought it was because Matt was busy with his own business. Something he had put a lot of time and effort in.

But clearly there had been another reason for Matt’s distance. And when Matt told Kyle, he was heartbroken. He was so astounded, he really hadn’t seen it coming. After that, he had trouble trusting another person completely again. The person he loved the most, the person he trusted with his whole life hadn’t been honest with him for such a long time. Matt had never told him his feelings were changing. And Kyle had never noticed a thing.

He wasn’t proud of how he responded when Matt told him he wanted to break up. He wanted the relationship, that at that point was actually already over, to work so bad, he had pleaded with Matt and begged him to stay. He didn’t want to give it up and denied everything Matt said. In the end Matt and him argued for so long that Matt left him and told him to delete his number and never contact him again. It really wasn’t his proudest moment and he had been hurt so bad, that it took a long time to get over that.

But afterwards Dan had been there and he loved Dan so many times more than he had ever loved Matt. Dan keeping his feelings from him too, no matter how understandable it was for Kyle, made him think back to Matt.

So if he ever decided to go for it with Dan and it would go wrong, he did not know how he would survive that. He would be so heartbroken. It would hurt so much more, because he loved Dan so much more. And he wouldn’t have another best friend like Dan who would pick him up afterwards.

No, he would rather stay friends, rather keep his feelings to himself, than potentially lose Dan. He did not know what a life without Dan would look like. He was such a big part of his life. And Kyle just did not want to give that up.

So, just friends. It was for the best, Kyle thought, even though it hurt him so much deep down. Now he needed to apologise to Dan. He needed to explain to Dan why he had gotten angry.

That’s why he called Dan. He asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner at Kyle’s place. It was familiar and comforting to Kyle, something he needed when he explained to Dan why he reacted the way he did and said the things he said.

And Dan agreed, a bit apprehensive at first, but he too wanted to get over this. Plus, even though it had only been a week, Dan missed Kyle.

 

So Kyle cooked them both dinner. He really wasn’t a great cook but making a pasta was something he could do. Any other night he would just have ordered in but he decided tonight he had to make an effort for his best friend. Something Dan appreciated. When he came into Kyle’s apartment it smelled like garlic and all kinds of other herbs, which made him smile wide.

“Mate, this smells amazing. I can’t remember if I’ve ever seen you cook dinner before?” The atmosphere was immediately relaxed, it was a relief. Both feared the evening would be awkward and strained.

“Well, don’t get used to it. But I have to make it up to you for acting like a proper ass,” Kyle grinned, this was already going way better than he had thought.

“You were acting like an ass, won’t argue with that. This is definitely a good start to making things right,” Dan teases.

Kyle gives him a playful glare, no evil in his eyes. “Alright, the pasta is almost ready, if you want to get the plates?”

“Sure, let’s eat, I’m starving!”

They ate their pasta in peace. It was weird, the forthcoming conversation was certainly present in Kyle’s mind, knowing they had to talk about his sudden outburst the other night. But for now it was like nothing happened. And Kyle was glad, it gave him the confidence they could overcome this.

After they had done the dishes, because they’re well-functioning grownups, they sat down on the couch, a little tension now present in the air.

“So, well… let’s talk about the other night,” Kyle says warily.

Dan chuckles a bit, which wasn’t fair in Kyle’s opinion, he was the one who had poured his heart out. He shouldn’t feel so comfortable with it.

“Dude, I know you’re not keen on talking about emotions and stuff, but don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m not angry with you. I _am_ curious about your motives though. But whatever explanation you have, you’re entitled to it, I can’t be angry with you for that.”

“Since when did you get so wise?” Kyle asks looking at Dan inquiringly.

“Woody gives some good advice when he wants,” is the only thing Dan says.

“Well, you’re right about that,” Kyle mutters, “Okay. Well, about why I got angry then.” He pauses for a moment, “I got jealous. Well jealous may not be the right word. But it hurt me that you just… didn’t talk about it with me. I felt like you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about that. And I hated that fact. I want you to be able to tell me everything. And I understand that the fact that you have feelings for me held you back. But at that moment I didn’t think about that. I only thought about what your revelation did to me.”

Kyle smiles, “I eh, want to make clear that I just want to stay friends, I don’t want to lose you over this but yeah, just friends?” He desperately tries to avoid talking about how he feels, he doesn’t want to lie about this.

Is he being a hypocrite for doing the same thing to Dan? He felt hurt because Dan didn’t talk about what he felt. But isn’t he doing the same right now? He keeps how he truly feels for himself, not trusting Dan enough that telling him that he loves him will end well. Or maybe he doesn’t trust himself, afraid he will sabotage things if he shows his true feelings.

Dan’s cheeks get a bit red, “yeah, eh, sure. Yes. I’d like to stay friends. I will get over you eventually, right?” He jokes, “But I want to explain a bit why I haven’t told you anything. I know how you don’t trust people that easily after Matt, and I kind of did the same, didn’t I? So I get why you were angry. But I didn’t not tell you because I didn’t trust you. I just had such a hard time accepting it for myself, the fact that I was in love with my best friend, not the fact I did indeed liked guys too per se.”

Dan sighs, not sure how to move on, but now he started, he wanted to make his motives clear to Kyle. “I wanted to talk to you about it, but I didn’t know how without telling that I am in love with you too. And I didn’t want to do that because I didn’t and don’t want to ruin our friendship. I felt horrible when I finally understood you don’t feel the same way but as I said, hopefully I’ll get over it soon. This friendship is way more important for me,” he smiles bravely.

If only Dan knew how wrong he was. But no, Kyle would not get hurt again.  “Yeah, that’s part why I was angry too. Of course, I get why you felt apprehensive about it. So many friendships are ruined because of this. So eh, yeah, I get it. But I hope it won’t change anything. I really like being your friend.” That he would love to be his boyfriend, Kyle kept for himself.

“Well, it’s nice we get each other, isn’t it?” Dan laughed.

Kyle snorts at that. “It _is_ nice,” he laughs, “So how about some celebratory beers because we get each other?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Dan smiles.


	9. You keep making it hard for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four months! That is way too long. I'm sorry for everyone reading this fic. I will finish this. I just got so stuck and I really didn't know how to go from the last chapter. But my friend [Kyewopen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen) helped me a ton. So thanks <3
> 
> Okay, I hope you'll still enjoy it even if it's super late! :)

His hands were so pretty. Kyle couldn’t stop staring at them. He had to hold them. So he did. Dan looked up at him, a little surprised but he smiled nonetheless. Kyle brushed his thumb over Dan’s knuckles. He smiled too, no words were needed right now. Here he was, close to the man he loved. They were holding hands. 

Kyle pushed his luck a little more, leaning forward to Dan, his other hand stroking the little stubble on Dan’s jaw and connecting their lips. 

But Dan recoiled in shock. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Have I ever given you the idea that you could kiss me?” he asked Kyle angrily.

“I.. well…” Kyle stuttered in confusion, what was going on? “I thought the fact that you told me you’re in love with me was a pretty good clue.”

“Ha, you really thought I loved you? That was just a joke. You know, playing with you is real easy. And kinda amusing at that,” Dan smirks.

There was a loud slap. Kyle had hit Dan in the face, he was even more confused now, this really wasn’t the Dan he knew and it was definitely not like him to use violence. What was happening?

A faint ringing took him out of his thoughts. The scene fading away when he opened his eyes but the feelings were still present and were all too real. 

Of course it was a dream. It wasn’t the first one and it annoyed Kyle to no end. 

Kyle groaned while picking up his phone from his nightstand. On the caller ID he saw it was Dan. He wasn’t ready to talk to him after that stupid dream so he let it go to voicemail.

He stared at the ceiling. He had studied it for so many hours now. If someone asked him to draw every single spot and stain that was present on that ceiling from his memory he would nail that. 

He was so sick of these dreams. Even though dream Dan wasn’t that nice to him most of the times, Kyle was always head over heels and he always woke up feeling confused and annoyed. 

His phone pinged, noting him he got a message, a voicemail from Dan. Listening to this was something he was able to do. 

“Hey Ky! I’m at Woody’s right now. He suggested to go out for some beers tonight, you in? Alright, just eh. Yeah. Next time pick up your phone, I hate voicemails. Okay. Well. See ya… Oh right. Let me know if you want to go out tonight. Yes. Bye.”

Kyle had to chuckle hearing Dan’s voicemail. He was always so awkward when leaving one. He assumed he should respect Dan and the fact that he still left a voicemail even when he hated that. Kyle himself just sent them a message when they didn’t pick up. But not Dan. He was weird like that. Something Kyle liked in him.

He decided to text Dan back, not in the mood to talk yet. It was still early for him, okay?

After texting back, Kyle gets up. He sighs, since these dreams started, he had doubted if he had done the right thing by deciding to be just friends. As scared as Kyle was he did still love Dan. And the fact that Dan, how unrealistic it may feel to him, felt the same way about him made his heart flutter in his chest. 

But at the same time he was so scared that Dan would stop being in love with him. Which was stupid because Kyle was the one who didn’t want a relationship. And Kyle was the one who said he didn’t reciprocate Dan’s feelings, even if that was a lie. 

So it wasn’t fair of him to expect Dan to keep loving him, to expect him to not move on. It was egoistic and selfish and just not fair. But he still wanted that, hence the weird dreams he was having about Dan not loving him at all. Even though he was too scared to get together with Dan, he still wanted Dan to love him the same way Kyle loved him.

Kyle got into the shower, he needed it to get this dream out of his mind. He let the shower wash away the images of an angry, offended Dan.

These dreams made him rethink his decisions. Did he make the right choice? Shouldn’t he just go for it with Dan? He was sure they would make it work, right? And if it didn’t work, he was sure they still could be friends. Maybe it would be different, but he didn’t think Dan would ever not be in his life, whatever crazy things that may happen.

So why had he chickened out? Why did he choose the safe road, not daring to take a chance? If it was anybody else it would have made more sense. But this was Dan! He trusted Dan with his whole life. He trusted him more than he trusted himself. Maybe that had been a reason for him to lie to Dan too. This would hurt him a little but Kyle would definitely hurt him more if they would be in a relationship.

However, Kyle knew he had made the wrong decision, he knew that even though he probably would hurt Dan, he should have went for it. But he did not know how he could ever turn this around and tell Dan the truth. ‘oh right, I forgot, I do also love you, sorry, let’s go on a date?’ or ‘hey, I know I said I only loved you as a friend but I lied, you still want to be my boyfriend?’ He could not do that. Dan would hate him if he found he lied about that. 

He sighed while he got dressed. He really dug a hole for himself here. And was there a way to get out before, there wasn’t now, not after he lied about his feelings to Dan. He just had to suck it up and accept his fate. Just friends. He was glad Woody and Will would be there too tonight or else he didn’t know if he would be able to act normal. 

-

“I know you’re not keen on talking about this again, but I really need your advice here Wood.” Dan was laying on Woody’s couch, his feet in the air and his head hanging over the edge.

Woody sighed, “okay, sure, I have brought this onto myself after all.”

Dan sat up straight, the rush of blood to his head getting too much, “Okay, so you know Kyle only wants to be friends after our little fight…”

“Whatever you call little,” Woody scoffed.

Dan glared at him, not commenting, before continuing, “Yeah, but now he’s acting real strange. He said he didn’t want this to change our friendship, but it did. He got way more distant. He doesn’t want to hang out as much anymore, almost never answers my calls anymore and when we do meet up he is physically distant too. And you know Kyle is never like that, with anyone.”

“And? What is your question? Alright, he’s acting more distant. But isn’t that to be expected? Don’t you think he’s giving you space? I mean, I would feel uncomfortable if the person I had a crush on would constantly hug me and touch me like Kyle always does.”

“Yeah… maybe you’re right,” Kyle contemplated, “it’s different now I know he doesn’t feel the same way, I guess. Maybe I need to keep my distance for a while too. Maybe it will help me get over him faster. How do you even get over someone you’re still friends with?”

“I don’t know, mate. But if that’s what you want, go talk to him. If you want this friendship to work you need to be honest with each other,” Woody sighed. He didn’t particularly liked where this was going. But he didn’t like telling other people’s secrets and he wasn’t about to do that now. No matter how much these idiots needed it. Maybe a little distance made Kyle realise what a complete idiot he was for letting Dan go. All because he was afraid.

Dan nodded, “Okay, yeah. I can always try it right? If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But it might help me. Seeing him so much certainly doesn’t help, I know that.”

“Okay, well great, you do that. Consultation hour is over though, got enough advice?” 

Dan laughed. “Yeah, yeah, enough advice for today, oh wise and handsome friend.”

“Great, let’s get back to serious business then,” Woody answered while starting a new game of FIFA.

-

Kyle’s phone dinged notifying him he got a message. He was being lazy. He should really be working. But today he worked from home and no one knew if he worked or not so he was more busy with anything but work.

Dan: You home? And can I come over? I think we need to talk.

His body tensed immediately when he saw the message. He knew, just as well as Dan, that things weren’t going as smoothly as they on forehand had thought. 

He had berated himself every waking moment that he had lied to his best friend. And, apparently not only every waking hour but also in his dreams he punished himself for this dumb choice. Really, if he just wouldn’t be such a wuss, he could have been happy with Dan right now. He could finally kiss him, and he could finally hug longer (and okay, maybe he thought of other things he wanted to do with Dan too but let’s not talk about that for now).

Kyle: Yeah, come over any time.

He texted back. It’s not that he was looking forward to this conversation, cause really, ‘we need to talk’ never meant anything good, but it was better to get things over with, right? All this thinking about it was exhausting him. Talking things over was probably a good thing. If only for his mind to get some rest.

An hour later Dan knocked on the door of Kyle’s apartment. It wasn’t like he wanted to have this talk but he really didn’t know what to do anymore. It all felt so awkward that it probably was best to keep some distance. At least for a while.

Kyle opened the door and welcomed him in. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked tired, Dan thought. But then he thought he probably would look the same to Kyle. It wasn’t like he had gotten much of sleep the last week.

“Hi,” Dan croaked out awkwardly. He really wished he would know how to get rid of the tension that was present in the room. 

“Hi,” Kyle answered, “You eh… you want anything to drink?”

Dan sat down on the couch, “No… I’m good,” he smiled. Kyle took a seat on the other couch, looking at his friend expectantly. 

“So, you wanted to talk?” No need to beat around the bush, Kyle thought.

“Yes. I did,” Dan started, he needed to get this over with. This was a low point but he was determined to get better out of this. 

“Well eh… since our talk..” Kyle gave him a confused look, “or fight, whatever you want to call it. Since then there has been this awkwardness between us. And I wanted to move on without things changing, I wanted it to be as it has always been. But it seems that, at least for now that isn’t possible.” 

Dan paused for a bit, while talking, he had stared at his hands picking at the hangnails at his fingers but now he looked up to gauge Kyle’s reaction. He didn’t seem to react at all, his face blank of any emotion. 

“And I know I need to get over you cause you don’t feel the same. But I feel like that’s not possible as long as we’re seeing each other as much as we do now, not as long as we talk every day.”

It was silent for a long while, both lost in their own thoughts. Kyle was the one to break the silence.

“So, what are you exactly saying? How do you see this, mate?” 

Dan cringed a bit, he could hear the hurt in Kyle’s voice. But this was something he had to do for himself. He would never ever get over Kyle if they would continue the way they did now.

“I don’t know. I thought no contact for at least two weeks? Let’s see how that goes? I want to be friends with you, but at this moment my feelings are ruining that for me. I’m having a hard time to be relaxed around you, all the time thinking about how you don’t feel the same way.”

“And that’s okay,” he rushed to say, “I don’t force you to feel the same. But I need some time to get used to this new situation.”

Kyle nodded, plucking the strands of his beard in uneasiness, Dan knew.

“Yeah… okay. It’s only fair to give you space. I eh… I will stay home tonight then, you can go out for beers with Will and Woody tonight. I’ll be fine.”

Dan sighed deeply. This sucked so much. Why couldn’t life be more like a movie? Why couldn’t Kyle reciprocate his feelings? It wasn’t fair. 

“Okay… eh, I will go then now. We will figure this out yeah?” Dan asked with a sad smile on his face when he walked to the door.

Kyle opened it, leaning against it while Dan passed it.

“We will.”


End file.
